You’ve heard it before, you’ll hear it again — the American political climate is so thick with tension, not even a Magic Bullet could chop through it. Controversy upon controversy has piled up, but one thing has finally broken the camel’s back, and this time … it actually is a straw.
Say goodbye to “MAGA hats” and hello to “Trump straws.” These liquid slurpers — red plastic straws with “TRUMP” inscribed on their sides — are Donald Trump’s latest campaign-funding merchandise hack. They, like Trump himself, offer Americans a promise — the validity of of which will not be analyzed in this article.
These straws promise to be plastic and to remain sturdy no matter the bev beamed up in them. They also vow to travel straight from the tips of your lips to the depths of a landfill. You can, without guilt, chuck the straws right into the trash can. You can even miss the trash can and toss them on the grass if you want. Trump straws don’t care. And that’s not all! These straws offer you the chance to directly contribute to the destruction of the environment. When you use a Trump straw you are given the once in a lifetime opportunity — to kill a sea turtle or to add to the colorful display of litter floating in your local river.
Why, you may ask, is the Trump campaign selling a pack of 10 straws for $15* on their website? Because, according to them, “liberals” are “ruining lives” with flimsy paper straws. It really is an all-time IQ-low for the Trump campaign. Not only has the Trump administration withdrawn the United States from the Paris Agreement and failed to enact any substantive or meaningful climate policy — political moves that will likely shorten the lifespan of this country’s environment — this gimmick places blame upon liberals’ attempts to extend the lifetime the country that Trump holds so dear. I guess when you don’t believe that climate change is real, you don’t believe that wasting natural resources and littering the planet with garbage are problems either. But if Trump is looking for posterity, he found it here — his straws will be sitting in a landfill for the next 1,000 years.
If I’m being truthful, paper straws aren’t ideal. They get wet, they become discolored and they flop around once used. However, a garbage patch the size of Texas floating in the middle of the ocean, giant heaps of trash in your neighborhood and sea animals choking to death aren’t exactly ideal either. Paper straws still aren’t as good as reusable straws, but they are a step up from plastic ones.
None of the Democratic candidates for President have announced that they will be following suit and selling straws on their website. I suppose they don’t support the proliferation of single-use plastic usage or littering. However, some of them do have their own merchandise that is worth a mention. Amy Klobuchar has started selling “multi-purpose” combs that double as eating utensils. Joe Biden has started selling Twizzlers on his website alongside directions for how to bite each end off to create a DIY straw. He calls these Twizzler straws “the middle class Joe” straws. And Marianne Williamson has announced a line of incense sticks engraved with “WILLIAMSON” on the side. You can find them under the “Aura” tab of her website.
To date, the Trump campaign has brought in over $450,000 selling Trump straws. Thanks, America! You probably just bought Trump a new hair reconstruction plan. Sea turtles aside, I will say is that it’s deeply disappointing that Trump straws don’t turn blue when they come into contact with cold liquids.
*plus shipping and handling
Cate Streissguth is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at [email protected]